I spent several of my youthful winters competing in alpine skiing. However, I had the tendency of falling very close to the finish line. My own explanation at the time was simply that I relaxed too early. In hindsight I was likely "sabotaging" myself. You see, I loved being the underdog without the pressure of other people expecting too much of me. Too much pressure took the fun away and I wanted it to be fun.
You could argue that there is no such thing as "self-sabotage," just different aspects or fragments of us that are at odds with what we want or think we need. That is why I have put "self-sabotage" in quotation marks. In a sense, we all have multiple personalities and different roles we play. Here's an insightful video about fragmentation.
Due to various traumas which we all experience to some degree, we learn to disassociate and disown certain aspects of ourselves that we deem unacceptable. These become fragments of our personality. It's a way we cope. In order to become integrated and whole we need to welcome these aspects back into our life. It is important that we work on understanding them while at the same time meet ourselves with as much self-compassion as we can muster.
With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we'd give a good friend. ~ Kristin Neff Check out her definition of self-compassion
These fragmented parts show up as contradictory desires, needs, and beliefs. We may want to be successful but fear having too much on our plate. We may want the stability and security of marriage while at the same time long for more freedom. We may want to run our own business but are concerned about the responsibilities and risks involved. We may want a fit and healthy body but are reluctant to put another "to-do-thing" on our schedule. Plus, at times our comfort food may seem like a necessity...or so we tell ourselves.
"Self-sabotage" is behavior that undermines our own progress and wellbeing. There are two main categories: conscious and unconscious. The ones we knowingly participate in, such as smoking, overeating, procrastinating and drinking in excess are conscious patterns, meaning we are aware of them even though we may be in denial of the extent of the problem.
Ways we unconsciously undermine our wellbeing could be in a budding love relationships when we behave in ways that pushes the partner away because of underlying fears of intimacy and/or commitment. A fragmented part of us is trying to protect us from being hurt, because that was likely the result of one or more previous relationships. Other times we undermine our health and happiness due to a fear of change, and this list could get really long.
Secondary gain is a special type of "self-sabotage" that results in hidden benefits. Trauma expert Evette Rose describes it as unconscious motivators that reward us emotionally or physically for holding onto our problems or blocks. If we are willing to be bold and radically honest we can investigate if there are potential benefits of having a certain problem in our life. If so, we can speed up the healing and solution process significantly by becoming aware of these previously hidden benefits.
Let's take an example from childhood that illustrates several hidden and fairly obvious benefits, depending on how your caregivers behaved. How did your mom or dad treat you when you were sick? Did you get more attention and care? Did you get to eat what you wanted? Maybe see a special TV show or a movie? Did staying home feel safer due to stress at school? What about your responsibilities, like homework and chores or a presentation you were particularly stressed about? Did it feel like a relief being home, even though it sucked being sick?
Question to Ponder
What are the benefits of having____problem in your life?
Remember, awareness is a major ingredient of the healing process.
What to do about "self-sabotage" and fragmentation:
1. Commit to self-compassion!
2. Identify what triggers the "sabotaging" behavior.
3. Be willing to explore new and old traumas.
4. Welcome back the hurt and vulnerable parts of yourself.
5. Be radically honest. Kindness towards yourself makes this easier.
Now, reread the first quote and begin!
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May you have the courage and compassion to embrace all parts of you!
Warmly,
Tone-Lise
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